Father’s Day advice

Father’s Day is in two weeks. I am writing this post partially in response to a TV commercial I just saw while working out while watching some UFC on TV. Yes, my wife is at work, so any channel is fair game.

Anyway, the commercial was for the WeatherTech Ready-to-Wash System. This is a Father’s Day gift of a bucket on wheels with some car wash soap, a mitt and a towel. Really? You love your dad so much that you will just get him something to clean up the family SUV? Oh, come on. Like you would get your mom a vacuum cleaner or a gift basket of Pledge, Lysol, and Fabuloso for Mother’s Day? Yeah, you’d be out of the will for that, big guy!

I’ve decided to do you all a big favor and steer you away from terrible Father’s Day gifts and get you on the right track for the guy who flips your pancake. (I made up that euphemism.)

First of all, a few gifts to avoid:

• The RadiaShield Men’s Boxer-Brief. Supposedly, this guy-hugging apparel will ensure your guy’s swimmers will make it to the finish line. As for me and my house, I cut them all off at the pass. Pass.
• T-shirts, mugs, hats, key fobs, whatever, proclaiming me to be “The World’s Best Dad.” Since there is no real prize for that honor, I’m not interested. Besides, it just sets me at odds with my neighbor whose boxers proclaim the same honor.
• I heard some DJs talking about A1 Steak Sauce scented candles. One commented, “Could be a good Father’s Day gift!” No. Just no.
• Father’s Day cards that focus attention on our flatulence. Yes, we’re pretty good at that. And we are proud of it. But is that the only superlative you can think of for your dad? (My suggestion: Make a card. Write a quick poem. A limerick. Haiko, You’ll do better than most of the cards at the store. Trust me.)
• Honorable mentions to avoid: A crazy tie, personal hygiene products (remember: would you get that for your mom?), an exercise program (remember: would you get that for your mom?), flowers (oh, come on!)

What to get instead:

• Bourbon or scotch (you should know what your dad likes!)
• Craft beer (you should know what your dad likes!)
• Sunglasses (you should know what your dad likes!)
• Sandals (you should know what your dad likes!)
• Beef (try butcherbox.com)
• Something to do together (movie, supper, fishing, drinking whiskey, eating beef, sitting on the beach; you should know what your dad likes!)

OK, I confess, I received a Shop-Vac for Father’s Day 22 years ago and I still use it today and I still really like it. OK — long shot and you won. But you were a looker, and I was a sucker. Still love you, too. And I still love my Shop-Vac.