Author: William Douthwaite

Posted in dogs

“Where’s Willow?”

Posted on by William Douthwaite

It seems like only yesterday that Where’s Waldo? was a popular book in our home. We play a new game now: “Where’s Willow?”

I didn’t think it would be hard to keep track of a four-month-old fifty-five pound Great Dane puppy. But around our house, we ask, “Where’s Willow?” several times a day. She’s both quiet and curious, so she could be anywhere.

  • She might be in the backyard, behind a shrub chewing on mulch or trying to lick grease off the back of the grill. If she’s lying in the sun up against the side of the house, you can’t see her from the window. Sometimes the wind blows the back door shut and she’s stuck out there.
  • She’s still small enough to curl up in a chair for a nap, so she could be in a bedroom or the living room.
  • But she also likes to stretch out on the Nugget (grandkid’s play sofa) or the bottom bunk in the back bedroom.
  • She has nosed her way into closets and nudged the door shut behind her, trapped until we go around looking for her.
  • She knows how to duck behind the kitchen island if she knows you are looking for her.
  • She will follow me out into the garage unnoticed, and then get stuck out there when I come back in the house.
  • I have even found her in her crate taking a nap on a lazy afternoon.

Willow is growing at a rate of one-half pound a day. Each day it gets harder for her to disappear around the house. But for now, if I don’t have time to check out all her hideouts, all I have to do is open up the Milk-Bone canister in the kitchen. If she isn’t trapped somewhere, both dogs will be sitting at my feet before I have finished lifting the lid. Works every time.

Posted in Ministry, sermon

Words you should never use in a sermon

Posted on by William Douthwaite
Photo by Chase Kennedy on Unsplash

I don’t remember the exact sermons in which I used these words. I only remember being called on the carpet for using these words.

You’re curious, aren’t you? You can relax. I doubt these words will shock you, not compared to the language you hear everyday on the air, in podcasts, or in movies.

I used the first phrase when I was speaking about anger. I said something like, “He was really pissed off.” I thought that was a familiar euphemism for being upset.

A few days later, a couple came by my office to talk to me. They were visibly upset and told me in no uncertain terms that they wouldn’t attend a church where bathroom humor was used in the pulpit. I had no idea what they were talking about until they explained to me their offense at the word pissed. I apologized and never used that word again in my preaching.

The second word I was called out on is slut. I must have been talking about one of the women in the bible with a “reputation” and referred to her as a slut. One couple in attendance couldn’t believe I had exposed their teenage granddaughter to such language. Having worked with youth for many years, I’ll bet she had a much broader vocabulary than her grandparents realized. But I apologized and never did use that word again in my preaching.

Of course, there are many other words a preacher should never use in a sermon. But those are the only two times I was challenged. I apologize for the click-bait title. You’re probably pissed off you didn’t get to read about something a little juicier than “slut.”

I figure I preached 2,000 sermons in thirty-six years of ministry. At around 2,000 words per sermon, that would total four million words from the pulpit. Two bad words? That’s not too bad.

Posted in Life

I noticed a few contradictions

Posted on by William Douthwaite

The line at Wawa was short as I waited to pay for my coffee. I had just filled the truck with gas and needed some afternoon caffeine. In line ahead of me was a pregnant woman who looked like she had just stepped out of a hospital operating room. She wore light blue scrubs, a face mask, and head covering along with a hospital ID clipped onto a pocket.

I watched with interest as she placed a sub and a large coffee on the counter and told the cashier what kind of cigarettes she wanted. As she paid the cashier asked, “Are you a nurse?” She replied, “No, I’m a doctor.”

I couldn’t help but notice the apparent contradictions. Health care and smoking. Pregnancy and caffeine.

It’s easy to be judgmental. I don’t know the whole story. It could have been a large decaf. Those cigarettes could have been for someone else. My mom smoked and drank lots of coffee. So did my childhood doctor and his office nurse.

I wonder what contradictions people notice when they see me.

  • Did anyone notice how I could preach, “Love your neighbor” when I couldn’t stand the person living across the street from me? Did I ever mention how happy I was when I saw a For Sale sign in his front yard?
  • No one got to see the times my eyes rolled back as I listened to endless rants from members on the phone who were upset about anything and everything. Yes, there were days when I hoped some of the sheep would wander off and get lost.
  • I wonder how it looked when I didn’t get my afternoon caffeine and I couldn’t keep my eyes open during an afternoon visit. That sure makes people feel important. I suppose that was simply payback for those times when I put people to sleep on a Sunday morning.

What contradictions do people notice when they watch or listen to you?

Posted in dogs

A long walk and tiny bones

Posted on by William Douthwaite

This past Saturday, we and the dogs took a walk over the Flagler Beach bridge and back. Going up was warm, but the breeze felt wonderful as we descended towards the ocean. Sun Bros Cafe came into sight and we sat outside with a couple of iced coffees.

As soon as I filled up a collapsable water bowl for the dogs, Willow (the Great Dane) stepped in it, spilling it onto the sidewalk. After a quick refill, both laid down in the shade of our table to watch people walking by.

When we’ve got the dogs with, we attract attention. Passersby can’t help but smile. Some will ask what kind of dog the big one is, and their eyes get bigger when we say, “She’s a four-month-old Great Dane.” Then everyone exclaims, “Wow, look at those big feet!”

After a while, someone from the cafe came out to say hi and had two dog biscuits in his hands. They were the tiniest dog biscuits I’ve ever seen. They were bone-shaped, but only about 1/2 inch long. The dogs eagerly ate them. But the look on their faces said, “Is that it? You call that a bone?” They are all about the bones. If I even say the word bone, they run from wherever they are in the house and sit in front of the kitchen cabinet where we keep our bone canister. By the way, ours is filled with legit bones, at least three inches long.

The concrete barrier provided just enough shade for the dogs on the return walk back to the car. With long tongues and lots of panting, we had to help them jump into the van. Of course, by the time they got home they were ready to chase each other around the back yard. But for now, they were tired and happy dogs.

Posted in minimalism

Containers full of junk

Posted on by William Douthwaite

An impressive load of U-Haul storage containers arrived at a rental up the street. I count nine on the big trailer plus one pulled by a small truck.

An impressive decluttering is happening right before my eyes. Dressers, cabinets, woven baskets, toys, shelves and clothes now line the curb. The scene reminds me of when we sold dad’s house and cleaned it out.

Why did they bring all this with them? Why didn’t they put it all out on the curb before they moved? I’m thinking they were cleaning out a storage unit where there is no curb. Or maybe someone died, they had to clean everything out quickly, and had to time to sort through years of accumulation.

Big trash pickup day doesn’t come around for another week. I’ll bet folks will stop by to take a decent amount of this away. We stopped and picked up a few nice baskets. But a lot will remain there till the end of this week.

A scene like this makes me consider how much stuff we still have in our house. And we make daily efforts to declutter and minimize our home and lives. As a rule, something has to go every day. Give it away, sell it, or throw it out. Otherwise, your inner hoarder emerges and take over.

Posted in dogs

What do you see up there?

Posted on by William Douthwaite
Willow the Great Dane
Winston the West Highland White Terrier

So I went outside and caught both dogs looking up in the sky. Typically, their world is limited to the smells on the ground and objects the in front of them. Now, all of a sudden, they’ve discovered some really interesting stuff above them.

The ground is where they find lizards in the backyard and bunnies along the side of the road. They usually lose a squirrel as soon as it scampers up a tree or utility pole.

But lately, their attention has been drawn to the sky. They watch the hawks soar overhead. They bark and chase down squirrels running across the top of the fence. They recognize the sound of a low-flying single engine plane or the hospital helicopter, and watch them over the house. They enjoy watching the tall pine trees wave in the wind.

When I see them do this, I look up, too. They pique my curiosity and I wonder, “What’s up there? What are you guys looking at?” I always think of the guy who just stood on a city sidewalk, looking up at a skyscraper. Before long, others joined him. When someone asked, “What are looking at?” No one knew. But they didn’t want to miss out on whatever it was.

Maybe the two dogs have conspired in this. “Let’s look up and see if we can him to look up, too!” It works.

Posted in dogs

Security system signs: genuine or fake?

Posted on by William Douthwaite

While walking the dogs this morning, I took note of how many homes have a security sign in the front yard. They aren’t new. I’ve seen them before. I’m so used to seeing them that I usually don’t notice them. But today I saw ADT, Guardian, Vivint, SimpliSafe, Ring, Alarm Pro or some other sign in three-quarters of the homes we passed.

Do you think all those homes have installed security systems? If not, what percentage simply purchased a sign to put in the front yard to deter burglars? Does that work? Can a bad guy spot the difference between a fake and the real thing? Will they play it safe and move on to another home? Or does a security system sign tip them off that there is something of value inside?

I also see cameras on many houses. Are they all hooked up and monitored? How many are just props?

Some houses don’t need any of the above. We can’t even walk by the house without snarling dogs in the window warning us to stay away. I know it’s not foolproof, but I kind of like the canine option. In fact, I enjoy it when a door-to-door security system salesperson knocks on our door, invoking a cacophony of barks and growls. And I am looking forward to that day when such a person sees a fully grown Great Dane looking at them through the front door.

Posted in Food

Don’t eat the last one

Posted on by William Douthwaite

In our home, you will find

  • A container with nothing more than one jelly bean.
  • A bag containing one tortilla chip.
  • A single cookie in a box.
  • One slice of bread in a bag secured by a twist tie.
  • One Cheezit in the bag.

We have an unwritten rule: “Don’t eat the last one.”

That rule evolved over time, emerging from questions like, “Did you eat all the jellybeans… cookies… bread… Cheezits?”

Yes, it was me. Too often I ate the last of something, just moments before I heard the question, “Did you eat all of those?”

It took me a long time to learn the principle of “Don’t eat the last one.” It doesn’t matter how long it’s been in the refrigerator. It doesn’t matter if it’s past the expiration date. It doesn’t matter if the package is unopened. It doesn’t matter if it’s generic or a brand name. As soon as I eat the last one, someone will ask, “Did you eat that?”

Yes, it’s me. I ate all of them. I ate the last one. I finished the bag. I ate all the jellybeans. I finished off the box of cookies. And the banana bread. Ice cream. Cashews. Peanuts.

So I no longer eat the last one. Why is there one jellybean in the container? Why is there one cookie left in the bag? Why is there one slice of bread left? Why is there one segment of an orange in the fridge? Why is there one cashew in the jar?

I will not eat the last one in a plane or a train, in a house or with a mouse, in a box or with a fox.

I will not eat the last one!

Posted in dogs

Was he dead or playing possum?

Posted on by William Douthwaite

On our morning walk this morning, the dogs caught a whiff of this possum out in a neighbor’s front yard. For a moment, I thought he was dead. Then I remembered that possums “play possum,” or pretend to be dead when threatened. I thought they were nocturnal. I can’t remember the last time I saw one in the day time.

So I did some research. Opossums can be out day or night foraging for food. And they don’t just pretend to be dead. Apparently, they faint when threatened and express an unpleasant odor so that a predator will leave them alone.

My friend Phil called them “soft shell armadillos.” He was not a fan. But it was armadillos, not possum, that was digging up his yard.

Opossums are immune to venom and are rabies resistant. They are omnivores, and will eat a lot of the snails, slugs, beetles, and ticks found in gardens.

We never know who we’ll meet on our walks!